Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Insomnia is a glamorous term for 'thoughts you forgot to have in the day.'

   I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be "Nobody" so when I see stupid crap people post, I can "Like" it. And it will say "Nobody Likes This"

   If there are ice cream vans in the summer, why cant we have Starbucks vans in the winter?

   This just in.. Governor Mary Fallin has just signed legislation naming the penguin as the new State Bird of Oklahoma...

   Lindsay Lohan? Uhh, throw her in prison for the next 3 years, see if we care.

   Sometimes we make love with our eyes, sometimes we make love with our hands, sometimes we make love with our bodies, but we always we make love with our hearts.

   I'll have a coke please . Hhmmm is Pepsi ok ? Hhmm how about no ! Is monopoly money ok ?

   thinking of starting a thread on facebook.... public restrooms need seat warmers!!!

   Mondays really need to be limited to one per week!

   Due to time constraints, your regularly scheduled status has been postponed. Please check back later for further updates.

   Thank You Kellogg's® Crunchy Nut™ cereal for the great slogan “It's morning somewhere”…Now, when I have afternoon or evening wood for no apparent reason, I have an answer….

   I'm so cold that I decided to start my own non-profit today. It's called PETAELG. That's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals with the Exception of Lying Groundhogs

   Cinderella is proof that a fancy pair of shoes can change your life!!

   the hell with taking me away...Calgone take all these idiots away from me!

   There's an 80% chance that a meteorologist is going to be wrong.

   I was just asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in egypt, but I suspect it;s some sort of pyramid scheme

   Ladies...if the wind blows, and you hear a whistle...the 'gap' is no longer sexy, and you might want to consider different pants...

   An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.

   when I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours... if I had a ROCK and a roll of CAPS...It was a Good Day!

   I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."