Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   EGYPTIAN LIBERATION PARTY TONIGHT @ THE SPHINX..EVERYBODY GETS LAID!!! Sponsored by Girls Gone Nile'd

   I'm home alone on a Saturday watching a show about flying planes in Alaska. Can't I just meet a nice girl on craigslist that will come over and kill me?

   Lonliness and alcohol are good friends, but on Valentine's day, they are best friends.

   I can't eat Doritos anymore. That finger licking commercial was disgusting! Why is it still being aired?

   at Walmart letting the one tooth wonder check me out!!!

   It's illegal to text while driving, but apparently it's okay for the police to surf CopNET on the freeway at 70 MPH.

   No my child, you may not have a cheese, peanut butter, fluff and cookie sandwich. Why? Because its just flat out disturbing that you thought those would make a great sandwich

   My wife asked me if I wanted to go on a date for Valentine's, so I asked her with who and do I know her...................then the trouble started.

   I found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?","Where did he come from?" "How did he die?",and "Why did he have moose antlers?"

   going to paint the town red tonight. Unfortunately the town now has Cameras installed and he got spotted and arrested.

   took an Ambien and a laxative before going to bed....i'll let you know who won in the morning.....

   STALKERS meeting tonight at that secret spot! You know the one!!

   If you have kids, your life is kids. If you don't, your life is going out to eat and buying electronics.

   Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year, I'm celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday.

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   OMG! I just had a full grown GOOSE poop on my windshield! Looks like I just got egged. Go back to Canada!

   you know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music

   The Devil doesn't like Heavy Metal music, he listens to Barry Manilow. I have proof.

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.

   Why would you try to avoid risks in life? To make it safely to death?