Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber the only daughter that Mr. & Mrs. Bieber have?

   I have seen the future, and the future is mustache rides.

   Did you know 25% of car accidents in canada involve a moose.I say we don't let them drive

   did some cross- dressing this morning , I said wheres my f**king socks

   went to the head office of the RSPCA its so tiny you couldn,t swing a cat in there

   You know what makes my blood boil - crematoriums

   Wolfgang Dabisch invented Tippex - correct me if I'm wrong

   being colourblind doesn't stop me enjoying life. the other night I saw joseph and his amazing brown coat . it was great .

   has got a damaged glass front door . Hey don't knock it

   tried to hang myself with a clip-on tie. Broke both of my legs

   Dear Alcohol... Will you be my valentine? ♥

   I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune! : )

   I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done.......

   My GPS keeps sending me through sketchy neighborhoods, but I go along, ‘cause I don't want my GPS to think I'm racist.

   If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.

   Lucky = A man who is a woman's 1st love. Luckier = A woman who is a man's last love.

   having a mental margarita. It was delivered by a shirtless cabana boy.

   While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

   I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.

   .569 seconds...the amount of time it takes me to get away from a spider.