Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She draws me in with a hypnotic glance, rips off my shirt, throws me up against the wall, presses her body against mine and whispers in my ear... GOT CHOCOLATE?

   If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.

   Why is it when opportunity knocks on your door, it knocks only once. But temptation... That b*tch leans on the damn door bell!

   Buddy of mine said, “you need to take the bull by the horns”….I told him that he should go first, and after they put the bull down for mauling him, I'd just take him with steak sauce….smarter not harder folks….

   after all is said and done, a lot more will have been said than done.

   disappointed that 25% of prostitutes use Facebook to solicit clients and not a single one has ever contacted him!

   I hate when I look horrible in a group picture and the person that looks good refuses to delete it.

   I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn't talk over the song.

   I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone, you fought them. Now you just defriend them on Facebook.

   Just got an email from MySpace asking, "Where Have You Been?" Well MySpace, it hasn't been 2006 in a while.

   I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.

   I'm not sure about you, but when someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

   "I tolerate you better than I do anyone else" is the new "I love you."

   I just picked out a Valentines Card from the Ben Roethlisberger collection. It came with a roofy, two advil for the day after and a do-it-yourself police report..

   throwing rocks at the person throwing rocks at you...

   Over the weekend, Dallas gave Michael Vick the key to the city. What's next for Vick -- an award from PETA?

   John Fogarty is asking me if I've ever seen the rain.......I have and I've seen alot more snow than I care to though.

   I miss Gary Coleman, I grew up with him...he just never did.

   BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby