Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I die, someone please change my status to: "He's DEAD, Jim"

   Ahh, the gift card. The polite way to say here's $20, go get your own damn gift.

   When I was little, I thought my name was shuddup.

   First God created men....then he had a better idea!!

   My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.

   I just took a Justin and wiped my Bieber...........

   If the 'Dog Whisperer' were to be found out to be an illegal, and the boys from 'Cops' were after him, and he ran and hid in the woods, then the K-9 unit let the dogs loose ......now THAT'S a TV show I'd actually watch through the commercial breaks.....

   When I was a kid, I never wore my helmet on the special bus, because it impeded my window licking abilities.

   It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

   Just learned that tigers don't eat Frosted Flakes. Now I'm questioning whether they're even gr-r-reat. I don't know what to believe anymore.

   n't it amazing how the sound of one persons voice can ruin your whole day at work.

   I've had enough with seeing animals today. I hate this place! It smells real bad, and there's too much sh!t everywhere. Damn you walmart

   The new facebook photo viewer is so Biebish!

   NEWS: Lady Gaga to do naked skydive for charity. You've got to admire her balls.

   Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these f-kin mind games?!

   used to be a deep-sea diver but I quit because I couldn't stand the pressure

   Censorship makes me sooo (bleeping) angry

   went to pizza hut and there was sign outside .It said "look out for the new Menu"... I walked in and it and it hit me in the back of the head

   Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice!

   ‎1. Go to Google maps. 2. Go to 35 Sampsonia Way, Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. 3. Click street view. 4. Turn the view around. 5. ??? 6. lol