Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How am I supposed to be inpressed by a computer winning at Jeopardy when Google usually knows what I'm looking for after 2 letters?

   Putting a loud muffler on your car is like putting a rolled up sock in your pants; You're trying to make something seem bigger than it really is.

   If aliens learn about us from our TV broadcasts then they'll come here expecting 90% of the population to work in hospitals or be in law enforcement.

   Driving home late, uncomfortable, cold, music blaring: About to fall asleep. Finally home, comfortable, quiet, in bed: Wide awake and posting on facebook.

   On my third cup of coffee and the day is looking real good. I think its going to be a great day. Did I mention its going to be a fantastic day.......

   There is not a worse feeling in the world than being at the Dentist when he has to use the restroom, you hear the toilet flush, you hear the Lysol spray- You don't hear the hands being washed….

   Goodbye Mr Coffee. Hello Mr Southern Comfort.

   Sales for Wal-Mart have fell again in the USA. This is just more proof that people have realized they have enough cheap crap in their homes.

   What to tell a girl before a one night stand - "If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.."

   Hey girl look at you with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

   having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!

   That moment when you realize you hit "reply all"

   Lean pockets directions: Take out of wrapper and place directly into toilet.

   Lean pockets: for those of you who don't eat meat, but still like diarrhea.

   just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.

   She: "Ummm, I dont think we should, I have I boyfriend." He: "So? I have a skateboard but I'd much rather drive a car"

   finally got my certification in the mail, I'm officially insane.

   i dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.

   Sarah Palin and Snookie both Having NY Times bestsellers makes me realize being literate is overrated

   Just saw a "dance" pole listed on Craigslist at 10pm Monday, Feb. 14th…opened but not used…unappreciated Valentine gift?