Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   needs some good ole fashioned meaningless casual sex.

   I don't use the expression, "I beg to differ." If my opinion is different than yours I'm not going to beg to express it.

   You know you've been married to long when your wife's favorite toy in bed is an Iphone

   My ex calls me up and says "My panties are wet" and I said "I'll be right over" and she said "Bring your tools, the washer's broke again"..........and then I hung up on her..

   I warned my daughter and I'll warn you too......I- Phone owners should not download the Pregnancy test App..... Peeing on you phone will only destroy it !!

   Too bad you can't photoshop your ugly personality.

   Having sex is like playing poker. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

   Dont you just hate it when someone asks you to guess their age, and then you minus off 5 years of what you really think, hoping its enough?

   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

   Just texted "I still love you" to about 50 random phone numbers.

   Who decided to make it a 12 step program for A.A…I mean why steps…I think steps would be the last thing they'd wanna maneuver…

   Oh you want me to "make time" for you? Well, if I could "make time" I wouldn't be wasting that skill on you.

   My panties are so wet right now! Granted they are in the washing machine, but still.

   My friend asked me if his car's blinker worked. I checked and said: yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.

   President's Day: a day the USA remembers when it had presidents worth celebrating.

   Do you know what it feels like to become insane? It's a war between being told who you are and knowing who you are... Which do you think wins?

   I just got arrested by a drunk cop. He keeps asking why I pulled him over. There's something wrong here.

   I'm not a smartass... Just being around me makes you feel like a dumbass...

   I named my d!ck "Hopes" because I like to keep my hopes up.

   The other day, I read something that made me piss myself. It was a sign, it said "Toilets closed."