Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just turned the news on and they were talking about Justin Beiber getting a haircut. Really? The world is going to hell in a hand basket.. but Justin Beiber got a haircut.. Who gives a rip??

   65 days until The Royal Wedding. I can't wait. Seeing that family gathered together always makes me feel really good about my dental plan.

   My favorite pickup line: Hey, what's your address, and are you a light sleeper?

   Justin Bieber: hey dad I just had my first time having sex.... Dad: really?? thats awesome son!! any questions?? Justin Bieber: yeah, when will my ass stop hurting?? Dad:.........

   Having my doubts about this dehydrated water that I bought off Craigslist for the plastic plants in my office..............

   I've come to realize that there is not much difference between paying for an evening out, and just leaving the money on the nightstand...unless you're hungry of course...

   Our relationship with life itself is compared to a kidnapping situation. The only choice we have is to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome which means that if we don't symphatize with our kidnapper, it will screw us all up.

   says the best answer to "(S)he died? What happened?" is "They stopped breathing"

   I once asked my Dad if it was ok to love a midget, he said son- It just depends if you're nuts over her.

   Coworkers were having printer problems, but I only heard the end of the conversation when they said "There are sheets jammed up in there." So natrually I recommended a laxative.

   I run for 2 reasons: 1.) Running to get food (2.) Running to keep from being food

   I let my fists do the talking. And by fists I mean mouth. And by talking I mean sandwich eating.

   Justin Bieber's hair being auctioned off for charity. Should I buy it for my next toupee?

   Buying a used mattress is like buying used underwear...You just dont do it!!

   I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

   CNN refuses to broadcast Gathafi's speech; reason being it is copyrighted to the Comedy Channel....

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".

   mmm nothings more manly then watching a man hold shake-weights next to his face while grunting with exaggeritated force

   Are you always this stupid, OR ARE YOU MAKING A SPECIAL EFFORT TODAY?

   You can walk out that door and keep on walking... Because you never shut up and you're always talking.