Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police officer: "Didn't you see the arrows?" Guy in car: "I didn't even see the Indians!"

   "Charlie Sheen and M. Qaddafi must of drank the Kool-Aid"-James Jones

   FACEBOOK: HELPING OVERTHROW GOVERNMENTS SINCE 2011

   see Gaddafi on TV for the last few days, I can only assume that he is paying tribute to Micheal Jackson

   Everyone is complaining about the Polish taking jobs. What about the lesbians taking our women?

   Sometimes, I pretend my curling iron is a lightsaber.

   I'd give Natalie Portman the bone but she'd have to eat a few cheeseburgers first.

   People are only as happy as they allow themselves to be.

   will you be my 'open the door, take off my clothes, help me to bed, and scooch the trashcan close' ...friend?

   Jesus is the way, the truth and the life!

   speedwalks everywhere, and is afraid of toilets…the two are not related...really...

   Jesus take the wheel...I'm tired...and I want to finish that dream you had issues with....

   Alors On Danse.. :)

   i'm a much more lively person when I'm sh*tfaced

   I wonder if the first guy who used the pickup line “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together” is the same guy who invented the qwerty keyboard...

   The reason why I don't speak to you anymore is because I keep telling myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.

   feels sorry for the blind girl at the beach today... she doesnt know how ugly her boyfriend is...

   My wife isn't speaking to me. All because I didn't open the car door for her. I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   death is the leading cause of funerals in this country.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a bat.