Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you can't use "eenie-meenie-miney-moe to help make important life decisions

   ;( Yep, winking AND frowning. Your mind = blown.

   wondering why buy grapes with seeds when the convenience of a seedless grape is right there

   You don't want to look back on your life and say, "I just made it through."

   I just awesomed all over the place.

   going to go out on a limb here...I think there is a very good possibility Gaddafi just might be the one on hallucinogenic drugs...just sayin!

   I hired a brass band to celebrate the birth of my child. I enjoyed it, but I think my wife was a little p1ssed off with the 15 hour drum roll.

   Dear Oil Companies…at least have the common courtesy to offer a reach around when I pump…Fu@k You Very Much…

   I wish Doc would hurry up with that Flux Capacitor so we don't have to pay these ridiculous f&^kin' gas prices!!

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool… to poke a Hontas.

   I should have invested money in companies that manufacture Locking Gas Caps

   If I could slow down real life , like the fights scenes on a fighting movie . I would punch people more often .

   When I poke, I poke 2 fingers at a time, and I'm coming for your eyes!

   I bang my snooze button so often and hard it's probably pregnant...

   After Watching Jersey Shore I wonder to myself is this all that MTV has Left???

   Wow, just drove by the gas station and the guy changing prices has a chair camping out...no good can come of this!!

   “Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right?

   Universal truth: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

   “Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she's a monster wearing a crap ton of makeup.” -Maybelline