Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i was moving with the flow of speeding traffic and got pulled over,i asked the cop "why me,everyone was speeding" cop asked "have you ever been fishing?" I said "sure". cop replies "ever catch them all".... well played Law Dog,well played

   Pin Up Boards - A good reminder to let you know you're getting old or that you have too much Sh*t going on in your life that you need to remember!!!

   Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

   Just try ask for a cigar break at work and see the reactions you get.

   Would it kill them to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the gas pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up and my gas tank is on the wrong side

   If smokers can get smoke breaks, non smokers should get fresh air breaks.

   Why cant men and women get along? Because gentlemen and ladies became overrated and parents stopped teaching their kids manners therefore women r so needy and men r demanding.

   Sure, I'll dance with your wife so she will stop bugging you to get up and dance. But I expect a fresh beer be waiting for me upon my return from the dance floor sir.

   Nympho support group meeting, my place, 9pm.

   Double-fisted- when you're so drunk, you forget you had a full beer and order another one.

   I bet the real reason why all the Democrats in Wisconsin jumped town is because they actually had money on the Steelers and refuse to pay up...hahaha

   I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome. 

   Charlie Sheen wants 10 million for a tell all book.....or a kilo of blow.

   Home School curriculum: sock folding,vaccuming,dish washing,laundry,child slavery at it's best.

   I thought I saw ZZ Top at Wal-Mart today...turns out it was just 3 women from Kentucky.

   Pretty face but the chase ain't worth the price

   Police officer: "Didn't you see the arrows?" Guy in car: "I didn't even see the Indians!"

   "Charlie Sheen and M. Qaddafi must of drank the Kool-Aid"-James Jones

   FACEBOOK: HELPING OVERTHROW GOVERNMENTS SINCE 2011

   see Gaddafi on TV for the last few days, I can only assume that he is paying tribute to Micheal Jackson