Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This situation calls for a barrel roll.

   Forget air brushing. Your profile pic needs sandblasting!

   Another long day at the office. Well, for someone. I was home on the couch watching TV all day.

   I'm just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.

   Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?

   Don't know why the wife gets so disgusted when I go to the bathroom in the shower.If you step on it a few times it won't clog the drain.

   sometimes I stroll through homeless shelters handing out real estate pamphlets just for fun.

   When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up I usually lie there and take a nap.

   Don't get me wrong. I totally hear what you're saying...I just don't care.

   thinks that Google Maps can skip a few steps when giving me directions... I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

   On my tombstone I'm going to pout...preheat oven to 400 degrees...none will get it though.

   the band Nine Inch Nails should change their name to 'No Amount of Toilet Paper Helps'

   i think it's about time Charlie Sheen changes his name back to Carlos Estevez, you know, to fit his name..

   Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to win didn't you?

   As if the TSA couldn't get any creepier, today they announced they're changing their name to Uncle TSA.

   Maybe you should eat make-up so you can be pretty on the inside.

   just separated 48 banana Runts from the other flavors out of the box. I feel like I just deprived a village of tiny monkeys food for a month

   I'm mayhem.....no your not, your that guy who played on OZ.

   I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think some people are taking it as a challenge.

   Watching Bowling on ESPN...they should have extreme bowling...skate boards, a few ramps then BAM throw that ball down the lane.