Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I rather shove a wet noodle up a bobcat's ass in a telephone booth, rather than listen to another one of Trump's speaches.

   I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing. To let me know when I am wrong.

   The only thing I've ever made from scratch was dandruff.

   Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor

   Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   I don't understand why this loan manager won't get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

   Breaking News: Trump screams at Mike Pence for not praying hard enough to make Biden lose.

   what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

   Over 50 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

   If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.

   You must first feel comfortable in someone else's skin before you can feel comfortable in your own. --Psycho Therapy

   I've just been voted the most secretive person in the world... I can't tell you what it means to me.

   I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked.. but that’s rare.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

   I've been trying out the rum diet this week, I've lost 2 days already.

   Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

   I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it