Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I just hit the wrong button on the TV remote at the hotel. Its one of those 9.99 dollar PPV with some really talented ladies. Hmmm, My boss won't believe I did it by accident. Oh well, might as well at least get my monies worth...

   Caught myself singing to Lady Gaga - Born this Way, while shaving my legs. Lmfao

   I think it's funny that whoever deleted me from Facebook was so important that I dont know who it is...and don't care!

   You dont have to believe in the goverment, to be a good American, you just have to believe in your country.

   you notice how every new movie that comes out is labeled as "the #1 movie in america" they should stop with that, cause its getting old!

   Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

   My toilet swallows so many loads that I purchased a wig to go over the tank.

   for lent, I'm giving up fat sticking to my body!!

   I like "rolling in the deep" .

   … Everytime I see a mattress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls …

   It's going to be weird still checking Facebook when I'm 70.

   excited about Fat Tuesday! Not so excited about Headachey Wednesday though.

   (o) (o) Happy Mardi Gras! Now where are my beads???

   o.k., really........gas $3.53gal., OPEC, the least you could do is give me a reach around at the pump....just sayin!!!

   just p*ssed so hard a little bit of laugh came out.

   don't tell me what you did for a klondike bar, tell me what you did to get all those beads.

   They have changed the “Cookie Monster” into the “Veggie Monster"..but he still acts retarded.

   Breaking News from an awesome friend!: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On and crashed into We All Have Problems before coming to a complete stop at Get Over It. Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Yapping, USA. :P

   Your like a 5 hr energy drink. Fast & Easy. 

   It might be fat Tuesday today, but I'm fat everyday. So what's the big deal.