Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earlier I saw a guy wearing "Skinny Jeans" waiting at a crosswalk, so I decided to gas it for two main reasons. First I refuse to stop & wait on any guy wearing "Skinny Jeans" & Secondly If he walked out in front of me I would be doing the world a favor!

   Breaking News: Tigers around the world have united to argue the point that Charlie Sheen must be on illegal drugs. They claim that they have tiger's blood flowing in their veins and they don't act that crazy.

   I had my dose of monday Tiger Blood, but I broke my freaking dragon tooth.

   it's Monday everyone, hope you've had your Tiger's Blood!

   just rolled a huge joint out of my harvard rejection letter...life is grand.

   hey home school kid, go into the home economics class and get me a beer.

   Producers say 2-1/2 men won't go with out Charlie Sheen, I bet that makes that other guy and that kid feel good.

   Put down the Charlie Sheen magnifying glass, and pick up the mirror.

   So the US want to do away with 1 dollar bills and goto 1 dollar coins, I wonder what this will do to the Stripping industry, I see a comeback of fanny packs to put them coins in.

   I thought dressing for your shape was the new sexy, not dressing like a slut!

   Lets just say I like my milk without the chunks. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Gun Control: Use both hands.

   We were sooooooo poor... we would eat beans for breakfast, water for lunch, then we'd swell up for dinner.

   I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

   I had a life once . . . now I have a computer and a modem

   There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

   I just got fired, but the boss wrote me a really nice recommendation letter. He wrote, “If you get (this guy) to work for you, you'll be lucky!”

   Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

   HOOTERS...putting lot lizzards to work since 1987