Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my men, like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

   After the age of 35, people start losing 7,000 brain cells a day. That number is tripled if they have a Facebook account.

   Did you know? Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.

   Gas stations need to have a happy hour..

   In life, we have 2 choices: we could spend our time crying for what's gone or instead we could smile for what's to come. That's for us to decide. Now, 1 thing is for sure. Life still goes on, no matter what. It won't wait for us. Join it or be left behind

   Hello Mr. Monster Truck tailgating me with your superbright halogen headlights... I can make my break lights brighter... wanna see?

   When I grow up and become the president of Akunamatata I'm gonna go to war with the whole world.

   Have you ever looked at someone and said to yourself, "Life would be so much better if their mom had just swallowed"?

   1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375 GB in about 3 seconds... And you thought virgin broadband was fast.....

   When someone gives you the finger, Look them straight in the eye and say "you know, there's a pile of crap behind EVERY bird"

   What's the difference between nectarines and peaches? Nectarines don't trade on their daddy's name to get on the TV.

   Entertainment reporters around the world are telling us that Justin Bieber is a cult. Makes you wonder if they had spellcheck turned off when they wrote that.

   I've got a blind date tonight with this girl who is 78.8 inches tall, I can't wait two metre.

   According to a recent study, 100% of people participate in surveys.

   Friendships are wonderful adventures. They surprise and delight as nothing else can! Just when you think you know the person well, some new wonderful part of them presents itself. Enjoy your many friendships and treasure them for the gift that they are! T

   Those 50 workers that stayed and are trying to stop full nuclear meltdown at the reactor in Japan are super heroes or the last of the Kamikaze's as far as I'm concerned...God Speed!!

   The awkward moment when you try to end a conversation with "your mum" and they reply "that's what she said"...

   Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

   God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

   When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.