Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to my Bikini Bottom translator, the word "Barnacle" means "FU#K" in the United States

   Smile. It's easier than explaining why you're sad.

   I went to a Chinese restaurant and saw the sexiest woman I have ever saw, so I was blunt and said I wanna 69...she brought me Beef and Broccoli.

   The only time I don't 'get it' in a good way is at work.

   Does Angry Birds get it's name because the birds are angry at you when you can't beat a level or because it makes you angry when you can't?

   if you are going to write on the dust on my car please dont date it

   The best selling books are cookbooks and the second are diet books. So you can learn how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

   The problem with America today is if you rob a bank, you have to bring your own sacks with “$” on them.

   Lick the alphabet. Yea, you know what I am talking about, don't even lie.

   there's something special about today....maybe its because I finally decided to shave my legs

   Not to worry Obama will fix everything while he's on vacation in Rio this weekend......

   It's great to see somebody change their relationship status on Facebook to 'Married' when they are actually legally married.

   I feel like punching baby kittens, whenever I see ungrateful douchebags yell at their smartphone, because it's taking more than a minute to upload something….YOU'RE GETTING A SIGNAL FROM SPACE…GIVE IT A MINUTE…

   You know, if I had a girlfriend, I'd be a lot happier. Does anyone have an extra one they don't need?

   Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

   My condolences to Snoop and the rest of the Dogg family. RIP Nate Dogg

   I guess the Obama's need another vacation to Rio to take a break... Apparently picking all 4 #1 seeds in his March Madness bracket was just to much on him?? What a SLACKER!!!

   Dear buffalo wings: What happened to us? You were soooo good to me last night. But today… all I can say is OUCH!

   read that a new study indicates that 80% of children aged 0 to 5 are already exposed to some computer use. In response to show their concern, Apple Computer has announced the new iCrib to target the remaining 20%.

   FYI to the Prophets adding dates....Japan Earthquake was on 3/10/11, they are a day ahead of us.