Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always call out my boyfriend's name during sex..... Just to make sure he's not around.

   How have Hoarders and Antique Roadshow not joined forces yet?

   Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying... They haven't left yet.

   no green food for me this year! I get enough of that from my own fridge!

   "never on cilantro, but always on thyme."

   I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed St. Patrick's Day....which means I'm doing it right!!

   No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.

   NEVER trust a leprechaun who tells you that you can rub off a little “luck of the Irish”….the only happy ending will be his…..

   Why do the associates at wal-mart never answer the phone..? ..i feel like I'm trying to dial through to a radio station to win tickets to a R. Kelly concert.

   The Dentist is the only certified man to say to a woman: lay down, relax, open mouth, say ahh, and spit.

   Roses are red, on St. Patricks were green, don't party too hard tonight, you are not Charlie Sheen!

   just set my phone to flight mode and then threw it in the air, let's just say... WORST TRANSFORMER EVER.

   Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.

   Irish:Tabhair dom an rud céanna mar atá ag an fhear ar an t-úrlar! English:Give me the same as the man on the floor!

   It"s ok to pretend you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things.

   Would it be inappropriate to go to the bars tonight wearing only a Green Lantern costume, with a 4 leaf clover on my finger as my ring and carry a Heineken mini-keg as my lantern?

   Once a pun a time, I used to be terrific at wordplay.

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.

   99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is.