Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don't look in a mirror, have a child draw you.

   The flea market, but I don't call it the flea market. I break it down into sections. Little Mexico, The Illegal Purse District, Pirated Pathway, and Hot in the Shade.

   Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.

   When I was 18, I really thought I was in love. So, I asked my grandfather. ‘ is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'

   We now live in a society where a prostitute earns more money than a school teacher. This means we have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers.

   I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now, because I think you're giving me cancer.'

   Southwest Airlines is like a woman's period: it hurts your back and it's usually late.

   They got smart phones, smart cars and all the smart stuff!! when they gonna start making smart people???

   Lil Wayne is by far the worst thing to happen to hiphop since Solja boy. Over Rated.

   I just had my most disturbing nighmare ever....I was gagged, tied and forced to watch "The View!"

   Nothing makes me feel better about myself more than the stupidity of others.

   The us army: when it absolutely positively has to be destroyed overnight!

   Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. I just don't trust anybody who works for him.

   Why is it that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting roofied? You want to tell them “relax, you can take the coaster off your drink, there's at least three of us in line before you.”

   Reading an article that said, "spice up your love life”. One of the suggestions was to make love in a car wash. It's also the perfect way to ruin a church fund raiser.

   Tyler Perry is an egomaniac. Does he really need to put his name in front all his shows?!

   I just read that birth control pills can prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.

   One night my wife said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'

   I had to use a payphone the other day and when I put the receiver to my ear, it was like there was jelly on it. Well that's what it tasted like.

   The last men's softball team I was on was awful, so I changed our name halfway through the season to ‘Off Constantly', so when the other teams won they could say they beat Off Constantly.