Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hates people who use facebook to exhibit depression and their general hate for the world...this is not therapy ppl. I dont give a f***

   Maybe it's Maybelline... Maybe it's Photoshop.

   I walked by a tanning salon yesterday and at the door was a black dude handing out flyers and he wore a big card that read *I GOT MY TANNING HERE!!!*

   ‎"Girl, you must have farted, cuz you blew me away"--Using this pick up line as soon as the opportunity presents it self lmfao

   the more guys I meet, the more I love my dog :)

   I'll take Gary Busey & his nonsensical ramblings over Charlie Sheen & his b.s. any day.

   It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

   Need relationship advice? Use Baby Philosophy: If it stinks, change it.

   I know a lot of people that remind me of clouds. Mainly because as soon as they disappear my day is brighter.

   need one more Red Light so I can get through this level of Angry Birds.

   Thanks Rebecca Black, because of you I don't know if I should sit in the front seat or the back seat.

   dont be a woman that needs a man, be a woman a man needs

   They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?

   I love the wind.. It's the only time I ever get blown

   Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.

   Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

   It would blow everyone's mind if one day Charlie Sheen just pulled off a mask & it was San Kinison.

   I'm changing my relationship status to 'It's complicated' ...I can never decide which hand to use

   soo upset that I mixed up my voodoo dolls. If you feel any sharp, stabbing pains, please call me and describe the location. Thanks

   Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?