Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Coldplay and Mumford & Sons got in a fight... Miley Cyrus would win.

   Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't have to match and boys had cooties.!!!!

   I'm at Camp Crystal Lake, being followed by this huge guy in a hockey mask holding a machete. He must be following us to make sure we're safe. Gee, what a nice guy.

   Do you have Beiber Fever? I'm sick of him too...

   I'm not cranky.. I just have a violent reaction to stupid people..

   Bristol Palin is payed as an Abstinence Ambassador... Great, now if we can only get Charlie Sheen to speak on alcohol awareness

   found the hidden toilet paper in the bathroom. Saved my ass!

   why is everyone on that baseball team wearing Jay Z's hat??

   If you only have one photo on you're Facebook you are either a spammer, or a loser, either way don't request me as a friend.

   you cant beat the stupid out of people but sometimes its funy to try.

   How can you tell when a woman is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarettes. 

   Dear Customers, Yes, we are making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies!!

   Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

   when I die my gravestone is going to have a "DisLike" button before facebook does!

   when I die my gravestone is going to have a "Like" button.

   I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine!!! Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

   Was at Home Depot last night and I saw two Southwest Pilots looking for roofing material ....this can't be good!!

   There are the normal ( . )( . ), the silicone ( + )( + ), the perfect (o)(o) Some are cold (^)(^) and some belong to grandmothers \./\./ And let's not forget the very large (o why o), the very small (.)(.) and the asymmetrical (•)(.) We love them all!

   A woman in your arms, is worth two on the Net.

   All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers learn to steer by the stars...