Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being hungover is like eating a hot pocket. It starts off well and then you spend the rest of the night in the bathroom wondering how much crap can really come out.

   This purple unicorn sitting next to me, while smoking a crack pipe, is saying that I drink too much. I told him to stop smoking crack cocaine. Stupid unicorn drug addicts.

   I have had enough, I am not here for your pleasure any longer, you encourage me to turn you on, just so you can heat me up for a few minutes. So it is over..you are being shut down,,unplugged, concider your fuse blown... God I love turning off the furnace

   Being an adult means going to the grocery store, paying a ton of money and still having nothing to eat.

   If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!

   Live this day as if it is your last. And if it turns out it isn't, make a great many apologies tomorrow.

   Too often we want what we cant have... but those who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want.

   On a scale from 1 to Rebecca Black how is my singing?

   This unicorn sitting next to me is saying that I drank too much.

   life is all bout ass... you're either kissing it, behaving like it, covering it, working it off, or trying to get a piece of it.

   ( o )( o ) - oh what a nice pair of frog eyes! what were you thinking of?

   Can't wait for the Vancouver Canucks to beat Chicago in this years Stanley Cup playoffs! :)

   Dear Monday, Please don't be a snatch today. Please pass on the message to the rest of the week...Thanks

   equal pay for equal work ---> equal work for equal pay...as of 9 APR that equals zero. Until we are retroactively paid, I will retroactively work.

   hates people who try to straighten their glasses with grimaces

   Guy: God, how long is a million years to you? God: A minute. Guy: How much is a million dollars to you? God: A penny. Guy: Can I have a penny? God: In a minute

   "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger this afternoon and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."

   When I go on deployments, I have my friends send me Jack Daniels in a Listerine bottle.

   Went to this mexican restaurant for dinner ... It had pronounciations of each item ... Nachos (Na-choos) Buritto (Bur-ee-toe) Taco (Ta-Koe), never laughed so hard in my life! Side note: It was attached to a bowling alley ... awesome

   Jack Daniels.