Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I live in South Africa & you do not find elephants on the street

   You know you're in South Africa when people talk about robots when they really mean traffic lights.

   People you may know = People I'm ignoring & already know

   going to spend her cab money on more shots and just get an ambulance home

   • Here's to our husbands and boyfriends: May they never meet!

   Every time I found something to eat in the refrigerator, I feel like I found a treasure.

   Facebook Gurls are sooo silly,U post the Sluttiest Photos of Ur self, & then you get Pissed when sum1 calls you Ugly,Cry when sum1 calls you fat,& offend By The Creepy guys friend request,grow up,& put sum cloths on

   Killing two pigs with one bird!

   While surfing for spring and summer fashions on the web, I found myself on the Victoria Secret page when my 13 year old boy-child entered the room. He made the comment, “Isn't that a site for hot girls?” To which I responded, “Go to your room.”

   Let's make the days count, not count the days.

   I'm tired of being dissed by automated restroom paper towel dispensers.

   When I grow up I want to be a kid.

   If I ever become president, everyone will recieve a pet unicorn and a midget sidekick.

   was at a house recently of some people I didn't like when life afforded me the opportunity to empty their bottle of sexual lubrication and replace it with hand sanitizer, On the bright side they should be 99.9% Germ free

   A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.

   I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me that it hopes I have a crappy day. :(

   Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."

   Met my new gf, a spark came between us…..WOW those taser guns are well worth the money!

   dear lady in the store yelling at your child, take a time out and comb the snakes in your hair, it is time for you to defeat the kraken

   "Archaeologists Discover First-Ever Gay Caveman." I'm calling it now: "Glee-anderthal: The Musical." That one's free, Hollywood.