Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama is in town. Traffic is bad. I won't be able to vote for him in 2012 because I'll still be sitting in my car.

   They say curiosity killed the cat. Which is true, because "curiosity" is also what I nicknamed my shovel.

   I was in a Ross' today. Do they always look like they were just hit by an earthquake?

   You call them "bullies." I call them "crusaders against childhood obesity."

   Dude, I'm not asking you to know pi to the 50th place, I'm asking you to know who's got right of way at a damn intersection!

   when my girlfriend says stop when having sex, thats when it's Hammer Time

   90% of the prison poulation believes in God. 90% of The Academy of Sciences are atheists. Personally, I'd rather have the guy in the white lab coat as a bunk mate

   Haters are like crickets, you can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet. 

   Dear T-Rex, Brontosaurus, & Velociraptor. Sorry I ran out of space on my Ark for you.... Noah

   If you happen to see a bunny laying brown eggs, do not eat them. ITS NOT CHOCOLATE!!!! HAPPY EASTER!!!!

   So umm.....Friday. I've been waiting for a while now wondering watcha waiting for?? Rebecca is not gonna introduce you every week now c'mon!

   If you are a proud owner or planning on purchasing one of those hippy mobile Smart cars, I have some friendly advice for you.....OMG...F-OFF!!!!

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water... it's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola."

   Science ignores any facts that disprove evolution. Nothing scientific about that!

   The iPhone- checks my facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   You know you're high when you look in the mirror ..and your reflection is Charlie Sheen!

   I was just thinking, what if car bumpers were filled with candy so if you got in a car crash, it would explode like a piñata. " Sorry 'bout the crash, but look free candy!!!"

   science makes more sense than a person(christ) pretending to be a magician...

   Mark Zuckerburg(sp) needs to stay out of politics . I just lost a lot of respect for him .

   So you're telling me there used to be nothing. Then all of the sudden their was an explosion (how did you have an ignition source let alone a combustable?) and you say that's what started the universe? How is you have a hard time believing in Christ?