Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to give a shout out to my probation officer!! Woot woot I passed My drug test

   Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

   I watch so much of the Investigation Discovery channel, I can kill you and make it look like the Easter Bunny did it.

   BREAKING NEWS: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It!

   due to welfare, idiot tax payers like me have to work on weekends. Your welcome.

   Today is just one of them days I rather be watching porn....all day

   What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

   Brunette: what r you doing? Blonde: trying 2 commit suicide. Brunette: the rope goes around your neck, not your waist. Blonde: Tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

   Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps it's mouth shut.

   Lol @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got c**k blocked by Visa.

   seeing William and Harry all decked out in their uniforms yesterday.. I kept expecting them to break into that Sondheim tune from "Into The Woods" AGONY!

   it me or does Harry look like the bully from A Christmas Story?

   Once a pun a time, my jokes didn't suck!

   3 words, 8 letters. 3 syllables, 5 vowels, 3 consonants, 2 nouns, one emotion, many meanings, a big lie, a rare truth: I LOVE YOU!

   I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

   Fine England, you have princes and princesses, but we have OBAMA.......Oh wait.........;)

   I'd like to get one thing straight....My Son.

   I have curves and i'm not afraid to use them.!!!

   I would've went to the wedding just to wear one of those cool hats...

   "Prince Williams bachelor party musta been awkward. Imagine stuffing bills in some strippers thong and they all got a picture of Grandma on em."