Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope the people who drive slow in the left lane are the first to go on Saturday.

   Want's to hijack Family Radio and play 48 hours of ACDC for your listening pleasures.

   So, the woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants, lost custody. Sources close to the little girl say she wasn't surprised by the news. Or maybe she was. It's hard to tell.

   I've been invited to a Post-Rapture looting event but I replied "Maybe attending" because I've also been invited to a Judgement Day event and I need to see how that goes before I decide for sure....

   Diet tip: If you fatten up everyone around you, you will look thinner.

   The Skort: skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your butt!!

   doesn't wish anyone harm but wouldn't be upset if Justin Bieber was kicked in the head by a donkey.

   in case the WORLD ENDING doesnt happen on Saturday, Fox News had a report that we maybe over run by Zombies, but they did give a 'guide' as to what to do. Thanks Fox News....now I know what to do when the undead attempt to eat my brain.....

   The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

   I'll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying. :)

   My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

   Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"

   payin for those jalapenos! My ass is on fire!!

   that awkward moment when she catches you trying to take a pic of her, and you have to pretend to be texting someone...

   ya "playa" skillz is broke, just like ya wallet!!

   I just watched an erectile dysfunction commercial for ten minutes before I realized it was Entourage.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child. I saw that movie.

   Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(

   Centers for Disease Control and Prevention posted a blog on their website on May 16 , 2011; concerning Zombie Apocalypse preparedness.... ummmmm is there something the Government not telling us ???