Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once upon a time, GIRLS used to cook like their mothers,but now they drink like their damn Fathers...!!!

   I'm gonna sue Axe because instead of attracting girls, I'm attracting damn mosquitos!

   Watching this NBA game makes me miss the great Larry Bird days, now its all showboating and apparently there is an "I" in team.

   If you could be sold for what you think you're worth, we could all retire!

   next time you go to a restaurant and ask for a Coke, and they say "is Pepsi OK?", you should reply "is Monopoly money OK?"

   I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than hear another one of your boring stories

   Cant wait to see CBS new show this fall :: Celebrity maids:: women compete to be Arnold's new maid..

   My name is I, My problem is LOVE, The solution is YOU.

   in a arguement yelling is the next best thing to being right

   Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called everybody. They meet at the bar.

   nice guys finish last, and bring you breakfast in bed.

   available for rebound sex.

   Looking for a new job. One that I can sit at a long table, take off my glasses, and say "If your calculations are correct...my God have mercy on our souls" Pay negotiable

   I suffer from schizophrenia. (I really don't.) Do. (Don't.) Do. (Don't!) Do! (Shut up!) NO, YOU SHUT UP! (Poo Poo head) THATS IT! (what?) I hate you. (i know)

   #ThoughtsWhileLosingVirginity.........."So this is what all the hype is about huh"

   If there was some kind of memory disease, I would be on stage 10

   Here is a episode for mythbusters------do fat chicks really give better head

   I saw on the television today that Huggies diaper's have come out with a new Levi design.What's next, bib-overall depend's for grandpa?....

   Cheese Doritos are like cheese covered razors if you chew a moth full to fast

   I'm sad my kids have left to Summer Camp for 2 weeks. I no longer have an excuse to watch iCarly while they're gone...