Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i know you have an open mind..... I can see what's in ur head...nothing

   Dear Mother in Law , pls don't teach me how to handle my children. I'm living with one of yours and he sure needs a lot of improvement ;)

   Problem is people confuse LOVE with BUSINESS. If you are with her because she gives the best BJs and she is with you because you pay all her bills then thats not a LOVE affair, that's just a BUSINESS arrangement.

   Ground is soft this time of year. But burying a body is hot, sweaty work. And that's how the lemonade industry gets you.

   I look at cold sores as a reflection of too much trust 

   Watching "The Voice" and can't help but think that Cee Lo looks like Carl Winslow.

   Dominos use to be made with saddness and disappointment with just a sprinkle of fry grease and hooker spit once, but now it's made with "real cheese" and failure.

   Domino's pizza is now made with real cheese." Well, WTF where you using before?

   You have the perfect face for the radio.

   Dear students, I know when you`re texting. Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, teacher.

   When going commando the the word "hurry" should not even be in your vocabulary.. just sayin.

   You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one damn night!"

   If you didn't hear it with your OWN ears or see it with your OWN eyes, don't go passing it on with your OWN damn mouth!"

   A man's home might be his castle, but his wife is usually the one who rules it.

   The more people I meet, the more I like my damn dog.

   Seriously, there's a fine line between tan and looking liked you rolled around in Doritos.

   Dont wear white shorts and a blue thong and get mad when our eyes lock...thats like sitting at a bar and getting mad when the bartender asks if you want a drink

   it just me or did anyone else notice that Bob Marley never looked like a "Bob."

   thankful that Anthony Weiner's last name wasnt 'Butthole'.

   wondering why I have NEVER seen a pregnant Asian?? Where's all the Most Fruitful Yuki's hidin anyway??