Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear hackers, Until you break the great firewall of China, I'm not impressed.

   Have you heard of that brand new men's cologne that just came out called "Umpire"? It's for Foul Balls.

   "6 packs of smokes. A case of beer. 2 box's of condoms. A lotto ticket & $2.00 gas on pump 8" ... Now thats a friday night thats ready for a good time but aint going far!!

   Taking your little Kids on a vacation with you to Vegas, is the same as taking a blind man to look at christman lights .. Just sayin!

   Just once somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!

   I used to suffer from major blackouts. This one time,...I have no idea what happened.

   likes the video of james and wade mocking dirk...i also like the one where dirk mocks them...oh wait there aint one because they aint never around during this series!!!

   Choose your Facebook profile pic carefully. It'll be the one they use when you go missing

   you have permission to update my status to "is dead" when my time comes

   I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

   Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don't feel like doing.

   there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?

   You know the person on the other end of the phone is comfortable with you when you can hear the toilet flushing.....

   One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

   I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!

   Just learned that you're supposed to Urinate on a Jellyfish Sting and NOT on a Jelly Roll Stain.......Sorry Sir.

   95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.

   What's the difference between Saturn and LeBron James? They're both big and full of gas, but at least Saturn has rings.

   im not a loser I'm just on the Z list of celebrities

   M̸o̸n̸, T̸u̸e̸s̸, W̸e̸d̸, T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸, Friday !!!!