Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She called it off because she found out she wasn't in the will.

   Don't worry Hef, Playmates are like buses, another one will come along in 30minutes.

   Hugh Hefner dumped at the alter! Thats sad after he wasted those whole 2 months getting to know her.

   let's jump to 2050, when I'm at the bingo hall checking out the hot little number with the walker and tramp stamp

   Calling all my ex girlfriends today to tell them I have herpes. I don't really have it, I just don't want any of them to sleep with other people.

   There'd be less accidents if there was a texting lane.

   just bought a new pack of socks to avoid doing laundry tonight.

   Love...it takes hostages and shows zero remorse.

   The best way to win an argument is to play dead.

   If you're an idiot, punch yourself in the face!

   Yes, you are an independant women if you dont rely on a man to get your bills paid!

   Hugh Hefner's 60 year younger fiance called off their wedding due to a 'change of heart'. Does 'change of heart' mean 'saw the prenup'?

   A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole …. and she was happy with the Thing.

   If you go to google and type " why does my " in the search box. Read some of the suggestions on there and you'll see why I hate people.

   No you are not an independant woman... You are just an adult. Having a car, paying yo bills, paying rent is part of adult life

   stepped on a corn flake...Does that make me a cereal killer?

   Rice is awesome. Especially if you want like 2000 of something...

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

   Just a tip for living a long and happy life: TRY NOT TO DIE

   what goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives you a warm satisfaction?...a teabag