Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's funny how people start paying attention to you when start giving them the silence treatment.

   I have an irrational fear of parking by a dumpster at night because I think a gorilla will jump out of it.

   If I were a Miss USA contestant, my go-to answer in the Q&A segment would be "Who cares? Did you see my rack and smile combo?"

   When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now, I make life decisions in there

   a smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness and a friend like me...well...that's a sign of good taste.

   The three KINGS that bring joy and hapiness to my life: Smo-King, Drin-King & Fuc-King

   Saw the Goodyear blimp today. It read "ICE CUBE NO LONGER EVEN REMOTELY A PIMP".

   this update is brought to you by, The Retirement Planning & Consultants of Fishmore & Dolittle.

   you know the recession is bad when wives are having sex with their husbands cause they can't afford batteries.

   Thanks to Bo-flex, I've gone from 'obese' to 'prefer not to say' on my plenty of fish account!

   Proof of insurance Officer? Of course didn't you see my two State Farm stickers on my bumper?

   My next house will have no kitchen—just vending machines and a large trash can.

   I wish I had a fly swatter with me, when I sit next to people who dont cover their mouth when they yawn or cough.

   When I was little, I used to watch the raindrops roll down the window and see which one "won"

   It's not officially summer until you start forgetting what day of the week it is.

   Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

   I met a woman who told me she wanted to walk a mile in my shoes. I guess she liked them because that was three weeks ago and I haven't seen her since.

   I went to the store and got me some Oreo's. As I was walking back to my car I saw a friend who told me that it was his birthday today...so for the 1st time ever, without being sarcastic, I was able to say "What...Do you want a cookie or something?"

   “The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...

   Dear God, Lets make a trade. Ryan Dunn for Justin Bieber? Love, Everyone.