Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best medicine in the world is a mother's hug

   Its amazing how something so small can feel so good. Q-tips.

   "I wasn't drunk!!" "Dude, you were in my pool trying to find Nemo" ·

   'I wasn't that drunk' Dude, you threw my hamster shouting GO Pikachu.

   Samsung infuse 4G AT&T comercial, with The Lady SCREAMING and the guy Beating the phone with his shoe... Please Hit yourself in the head with a hammer. Thank you

   Tone Loc accused of domestic violence???...gonna be gettin' served that Funky Cold Subpoena...

   Guy walks out of the restroom, Girl says:"Sir your garage door is open", Guy asks:"Did you see my Harley", Girl says:"No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires"

   I tried an experiment last night I took 3 Caffeine Pills and 3 Tylenol PM's to see who would win, ya caffeine won. I been up for 30 hours.

   Condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"

   After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know that all sales don't have to be final.

   there is a big diffrence when a boy and a girl says "i went through a box of tissue watching a movie"

   Fellas: when speaking to a lady, never hang up first.

   You are too blessed to be stressed, depressed or dealing with mess. Never suppress your success, instead profess your progress. Then sit back and let the HATERS obsess to excess over what you possess...more or less. And now I digress.

   I'm selling baby shirts that says "Not everything stays in Vegas."

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   The secret to eternal happiness lies in the acceptance of its nonexistence.

   Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she's only in it for the free food.

   Fellaz, when a woman says, "that feels good," it doesn't mean go faster and harder. It means to keep doing that.

   I see flies everywhere but the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.

   You should come with a warning sign and possibly one of those flashing red DANGER AHEAD lights.