Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My drunken Uncle always says, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you."

   Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

   Intelligence Report: Pakistan may have contributed in housing and hiding Bin Laden. Did it really take an Intelligence Report to figure this out?

   Okay ladies, exercise your suck muscle ladies, it's Friday Night!

   I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.

   Ron Artest is changing his name to Metta World Peace. How stupid. Something intelligent and original would be World B Free.

   85% of women go through life with the wrong bra size. Meanwhile every guy over 17 can tell you the exact measurement of their d!ck. Who's smarter now ladies?

   I find it odd when you are at the store and the teller hands you the receipt and says " there you are" and I respond " yes I have been here all along.. it was me that put the stuff on the counter.."

   Arguing on facebook is like the special olympics, even if you win your still retarded

   Women, you can't live with them, and they can't pee standing up!!!

   When will women ever learn? Never hold a man to what he says during sex. It's not even him talking, it's the prick in charge.

   I wonder if those guys who stand in the corners and flip those billboard signs around all day actually applied for that job or did they lose a bet?

   My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

   I've gotta come clean... that's why I jack-off with Purell

   Dated a blind girl once, her name was .::. ::.:. ..:.:. :.:..::. ..:::.

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow..

   I like my coffee like I like my women .Strong, sweet & hot :)

   You will never hear me say things like "I would never wish it upon my worst enemy", hell if you are my worst enemy I would wish it upon you ten-fold.

   I really like this hoity-toity hospital...they have 2 ply Toliet Paper

   Don't wait for someone else to write the ending of a story that you started from the beginning.