Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

   Your quarantine name is your Amazon username and password.

   Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

   2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead. 2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

   Customer: Do you guys have wings? Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

   worm: sorry I slept in hey where is everyone

   I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

   Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

   A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

   My husband has started pronouncing s’mores like schmores so I guess were at the growing old together stage.

   me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks? wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

   Me: *panic buying* [Later At Home] Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf? Me: I panicked

   If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

   Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat* Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to…. Me: Shat.

   I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

   therapist: and what motivation will we use ? me: hate fueled spite ? therapist: no

   If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

   Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

   What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

   * I hear that he has the fire department on standby at his speeches in case his pants catch fire.