Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was on the phone last night with my mom and I was telling her that I had a real bad headache? She says, "You have any acetylsalicylic acid?" I said, "Ma, you mean aspirin?" She goes, “That's it, I can never remember that word.”

   why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves!

   Every time I see a female sword swallower I think ...... she use to have a black boyfriend

   i think my Yogurts haunted ...... Paranormal Activia

   4 out of 5 turtles are Ninjas

   if you have never given yourself troll hair while taking a bath .. then you probably don't have a soul

   Asia-Vu the feeling you've seen that Asian person before

   The other day my car's “Check Engine” light came on, so I popped the hood and looked, and the engine was still there. Silly light!

   We cant pretend to be strangers when I have seen you naked!

   Are you a robot? So why do you keep doing what people tell you and expect you to do?

   I would slap you right now but I don't want to get arrested for animal abuse.

   The world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going.

   I'm not your Father but I can be your friend ( Heavy breathing ) - Step-dad Darth Vader

   just saw George Washington advertised for deadliest warriors I think they're running out of warriors

   procrastination personified.

   At some point, my grandmother stopped admiring how big I was getting.

   I always use the self-checkout lane to avoid being embarrassed when my card is declined.

   whenever i'm bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in front of mirror in bathrooms and showing on people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"

   When I really want a chick to know I'm ballin', I get her something from the vending machine and ignore the change