Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when someone starts telling me something, but they end up saying "nevermind."

   You may call it "alcohol abuse" but I've never heard the alcohol complaining.

   *1 friend request* (250 mutual friends) “…I still don't know you ...

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed.

   Facebook = Star Wars, Twitter = Empire Strikes Back, Google+ = Return of the Jedi. MySpace = Stupid prequels.

   Two years from now, spam will be solved - Bill Gates (2004)

   Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

   I have watched all the harry porter movies with subtitles on, so that means I have read them too

   Hi. I'm unable to answer my mobile phone at the moment, but if you leave a message, the News of the World will email it to me later

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed

   Forgetting to close my tab at the bar isn't as costly as forgetting to close tabs on my computer at home.

   I hate it when am standing at the back of the queue and someone asks me "is this the end of the queue? no it's not, it's the front and today we have decided to queue facing backwards

   I just woke up fro m a bad dream. I was being suffocated between two huge breasts...then woke up between the couch cushions

   When waiting for the repairman in the 8:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. window that the moment you step outside or run the vacuum cleaner that they call?

   I guess I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong...

   When someone enteres the room while you watch porn, make sure not to just minimize your window... also lower the damn volume. Sorry mom...

   If he's truthful then I'm a one legged pirate......Does anyone see me with a parrot and a cracker??

   The kids down the street have challenged me to a water fight...I'm just updating my status whilst I wait for the kettle to boil

   Watching a Travel Channel show on ghosts. I don't buy the Massachusetts ghost in the red flannel shirt. Thats a meth addict, not a ghost.

   I saw a faded sign at the sign of the road. However there was no mention of a love shack.