Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I'm a big fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars. 
I've had such a fantastic day, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
when someone asks me "Hi, how r u?" my response is " High!! How r u?" they just don't seem to get it ;)
The proper skirt length is at least 2 inches below your cellulite.
I think I need a catch phrase after sex...Something like "You've just been blessed!!" or "And now you know...And knowing is half the battle!!" or my personal favorite "Shazaam!!"
Im giving away dead batteries, they are free of charge!
No matter how tough, hardcore, or badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you WILL answer it.
"You can't have your cake and eat it too." - People who obviously don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake
The TRUE pregnancy test is whether he'll stick around if it's positive.
News casters trying to find snappy name for current heat wave - Some suggest calling it: Summer
I'm watching for anyone complaining about the heat. I will copy your post and save it for winter. Then I WILL paste it to your profile with WHO IS HOT NOW when you are buried snow. OH you know who you are!
I need a stunt double because I am so damn tired of jumping through hoops!
You know why Rednecks like it doggie style? So they can both watch Nascar together!!
Impossible is Nothing , Average is Nowhere and Mediocrity is for Others !!
I want to become a receptionist so I can say "Your son Rip is on line toot"
When I become a billionaire I'll still do stuff here. I'll just say, "In your face, peasants!" as I hit submit
How to be cool on facebook: Profile>Account Settings>Delete Profile
You think its hot where you're at...... you should feel it where I am - Osama Bin Laden
WELCOME TO FACEBOOK, the place where relationships are perfect, liars believe they are telling the truth, & the WORLD shows off they are living a great life; where your ENEMIES are the ones that visit your profile the most, your FRIENDS & FAMILY block you
Used to comment and joke when the didgets were in their hundreds now your a pretty tough crowd 