Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is the kind of heat that causes Rob Thomas and Santana to collaborate.

   Sometimes, in a relationship, there comes a time you have to quit bullsh*tting and just shut up, swallow your pride, accept that you are wrong and apologize. It's not giving up, it's called growing up.

   I am all for small talk but that does not mean you can initiate a chat with me and bore me to death.

   Whenever someone posts something like, “Just went on a massive friend-deleting spree!,” I'm never quite sure whether to feel like a winner for making the cut or a loser for having friends lame e

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.

   The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone

   Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison

   I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

   GRAPEVINE??? lol Noooope I heard it through FACEBOOK lololol

   I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from Harry Potter. When your best friend gets the girl, bang his sister instead!

   OCCUPATION: Bullsh*t Recognition Specialist.

   I am not a mirror: I see you completely differently from the way you see yourself. Bear that in mind next time you want to ask me how you look.

   I like the fact that a pie in the face only gets a ten minute meeting suspension. England runs a tight ship. Let's clean him up and resume.

   I downloaded the sound of a toilet flushing and made it my ex's ringtone to remind me what a piece of s@#T he is.

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   My phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass! I guess this thing really is a smartphone.

   They are not my haters, they are my fans! They just don't know it yet.

   Whenever I need a quiet night at my house I just tell all my friends that I'm moving and need them to come over and help.

   Keep your guests on their toes by disabling the flush mechanism on all the toilets in your house and filling the medicine cabinets with marbles.

   Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes.