Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever lose a hand I'm definitely replacing it with a single nunchuck on a chain

   fixing something with WD-40 and a Craftsman wrench.

   Fuller than a tick on a fat dogs ass!

   Next time someone calls you a disappointment, remind them everyone is great at something and you just happen to excel at disappointing.

   A Cougar travels 1500 miles from S Dakota only to get hit by a car in CT. Sounds like an episode of Real Housewives of NY!

   I don't keep a gun in my house but I do have a carefully positioned cactus.

   They call me Mr. Coffee, cause I grind so fine!!!

   Wrong # call=boring. Wrong # text message=fun. Someone text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.

   There's no such a thing as a happy single woman. We're all just wives-in-training or crazy cat ladies.

   If you pretend 7am is the new happy hour, getting up early isn't all that bad anymore.

   We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.

   hates it when overweight people who don't take care of their body give weight advice! Look- when you're so fat that when you order a water-bed a freaking blanket is layed over the Pacific Ocean, do not come preaching nutrition to me.

   If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I'm almost out.

   When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they're just thinking for the first time.

   I walked in on my boyfriend watching porn, later he walked in on me watching Glee. I don't know who was more embarrassed.

   I find a bit of sick pleasure in holding the door for people that are still far away to force them into an awkward run

   All I got to say is "Sisters before misters."

   To hear many religious nuts talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.

   Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful