Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TIPS FOR SUCCESS WITH WOMEN: (1) Don't be ugly. Should you be Ugly, Dont be Broke!

   My action figure would come with action sold separately.

   My life's motto: "Live every week as if its shark week"

   I'm not that sympathetic to reports that Kim Kardashian suffers from a skin condition. She can change her taste in men any time.

   I'm off to work... not because I want to, but because I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult, and I don't want to blow my cover!

   I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

   Raid should make suppositories for all the people with bugs up their asses.

   I think humans should hibernate. We could use an extra month of sleep. Too many cranky people.

   Just thinking about how rediculously good looking I am.

   When the Beatles said they were "bigger than Jesus" they were right. 'Cause people were way shorter back then in Jesus times

   All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan

   still a free agent mulling over my options. I will however continue to entertain decent offers.

   Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if we were all of the same race!

   gets more laughs out of his farts compared to certain things written here!

   Note to U.S. Politicians: You can't borrow yourself out of debt, no one can. It's like you're trying to drink yourself sober.

   My attention has no span.

   Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in then they cut you off.

   They say you're only as old as you feel, so I must be kinda-drunk-and-a-little-hungry years old.

   Watching the x games, live on the toilet on espn, on my iphone... The future is here ppl

   Say "no" to drugs. If drugs are talking to you, you've already had too many.