Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lord give me strength to deal with these A$$hole$ or this Louisville Slugger will!

   Some people say the greatest joy is having a kid, but those people never driven a 600hp V10 BMW M6.

   pee-ing so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   Ladies, if he is strumming your pain with his fingers, you should see a doctor

   A person who follows the crowd usually gets no further than the crowd.

   i might have a piece of sh*t, but I drive it like its nice :)

   went to see the planet of the apes movie. and I be damned if I didnt see a classmate from high school in the movie

   A man sees her, he wants her, he makes her believe him, he gets bored, and he leaves.

   Its my Status and I'll cry if I want to

   I was afraid the first time I went parachuting. The instructor said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun doesn't shine. I jumped. A little.

   Bush's "recession" was a lot better than Obama's "recovery".

   New concept: Thinking of writing a book that will be nowhere near as good as the movie.

   "Betty Crocker rocks out with her crock out." That one's a freebie, General Mills. Hit me up.

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had..

   Changing the wording to my previous post doesn't make the previous status any funnier

   There are many paths on the journey to find the right person to be with, but I think we all have chosen the PSYCHOpath at some point in our lives!

   It seems this town is full of exhausted plumbers, well that is what I think they are anyway... Their pants are drooping off and their hats are turned sideways.... Take a rest guys

   The feeling when you leave behind something and realize it only when its too late

   The government today, announced that it's changing it's emblem from a Bald Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government 's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects

   According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S. Treasury. That's why I've taken all my cash and converted it to safe, stable iTunes gift cards.