Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That makes about as much sense as a a gay guy in a topless bar

   Never fall in love with an a$$ man, unless you're prepared to offer him the moon.

   I like how the package for cotton swabs says don't put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"

   A Lover says, `I will be with you in all your troubles`. But a Good Friend says, `You will have no trouble when I am with you!`

   The economy is so bad that Anglina Jolie is adopting American kids now.

   Manager: A room with double bed? But sir you are alone? Santa: Yes, It is just that I wish to enjoy the silence from the other bed.

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen.

   Thinking about writing a book on Mormon cults. Will title it, "Always the Bride, Never the Bridesmaid."

   I'm trying to solve a murder mystery, but the only clue is a broken calculator found at the crime scene . . . Something doesn't add up.

   Until noon tomorrow, I would like to be called only by my street name- White Chocolate Filling. Please update your records.

   Just woke up. Ice cream melted. Not sure where I am. Smells like basement.

   There aren't many passengers on this train of thought.

   original, one of a kind..So if you don't mind get back in line..

   Gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

   Sorry I'm not rioting, my tracksuit is in the wash.

   I only like Tuesday because it rhymes with Booze Day....

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute

   If you purchased $1000 worth of Delta airlines stock one year ago, you would have $49. If you invested it in aig you'd have $33. If you spent $1000 on beer and recycled the cans you would have $214.50. Therefor drinking heavily is your best investment.

   Scotland Yard is at a loss at how to stop rioters from coordinating looting via Blackberry. If only they knew someone who could hack phones.

   I just took a typing test. 160 words per minute. The word was "a". That counts, right?