Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to talk to me send me a message in my inbox, don't broadcast it on my wall for everyone else to see. Thank you.

   There are 25 interesting things you can do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking!

   She has a Masters degree in lying but I have a PhD in recognizing bullsh*t.

   I think things did not work out between us because we both loved the same person; I loved you and you loved yourself.

   My Vocabulary = 50% swearing, 50% sarcasm

   Everyone says I'm short as if it isn't obvious enough, but that just means I'm a smaller, more awesome version of all the normal sized people

   It's always your favorite sins that do you in

   Body piercing saved your life. -Jesus

   why do frogs make a mass exodus across the road when it rains?

   Why are Adam and Eve always depicted with belly buttons?

   My last child support paymen is due tomorrow............I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

   In an effort to save the economy the Government will be downsizing the population. Soon it will begin eliminating all the ugly people. My eyes began to water and my heart dropped when I thought of you, hang in there my friend. Be strong.

   She may think your tractor's sexy but she rides mine. ;0)

   Walmart Owner: "Ok, So here's the plan.We'll put 25-30 registers in each store. Then, we'll only put cashiers at 3 of them.It can't fail!"

   55 years ago tonight, Bela Lugosi died. He was the orignal Dracula, who thinks Bela from Twilight was named after him?

   Who says potheads are lazy?? I know a lot of em have to wake up a half hour early just to get stoned.

   If we could eavesdrop on every conversation people had about us, I'm pretty sure that none of us would have any friends.

   Note to self: The acronym for "Save the Date" is not appropriate to include all over a work memo

   I got pulled over by a cop today and he said PAPERS and I said SCISSORS--I WIN!!! Then he made me get out of my car and do a bunch of tests. Sore loser!!!

   Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"