Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My celery loving friend keeps dropping over all the time unannounced. Do you think she’s stalking me?

   Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.

   “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

   Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea

   Sept 11th, I’m wearing a shirt that says “All Buildings Matter”

   How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

   Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

   I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

   Good news: My son cleaned his room Bad news: He found his harmonica

   Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet? Wife: I’m definitely bothered

   95% of my news feed is now agenda driven. The other 5% is: "There's a bed and a chair in a room. If someone enters the room, how many pancakes each did the seat cushion and the mattress eat?

   whoa they've gone way too far when they disarm Elmer Fudd

   I wash my hands at least 5 times a day. But not because of the Coronavirus. I own a Volkswagen.

   I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   Neighbor's python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD. He's a cold hearted snake.

   I asked the waitress if I could ask her a question about the menu, please. She said the men I please is none of your business.

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account

   Those three magical words: “Where’s the plunger?”

   I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again