Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   people who make the wrong thing always complain about everything and everybody!

   When life becomes boring it simply mean you're not living it right.

   Never introduce her to your money before you introduce her to yourself.

   What did the slut's left leg say to the slut's right leg? "Nothing" They've never met.

   If you were twice as smart, you'd still be the stupidest person I know!

   This new Facebook crap is making my head spin...and I'm feeling a little nauseous. If I start levitating off my bed in my sleep, and peeing on the floor in the middle of parties...I'm suing......................

   If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results

   I missed Obama's speech....Someone please tell me there will be a rebroadcast translation of Obama's speech into Pirate speak this afternoon??

   Ass kissing has never been my thing and never will be..i'll chew broken glass before I kiss ass.

   I'm a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.

   I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."

   When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor's trash so you don't get robbed.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   I like my men how I like my kit Kat - chunky

   This is for chicks with big mouthes: I have three wishes for you I wish, I wish, I wish you would bit&*!!

   Sir Alex Ferguson is furious with Ashley cole after seeing pictures of horror tackle,Wouldn't be the first time pictures of his tackle have got him in trouble

   people with narrow minds , are normaly the ones with the biggest mouths.

   says he is not the only one that yawns with a HE-MAN/Popeye pose at work; every guy does

   not for everyone results may vary. Side effects may include splitting side, spastic outbursts, spewing drinks out your nose and extreme awesomeness. Not recommended for people with heart problems or expecting mothers..

   I just want ppl to be honest with me. I mean, the worst thing I could do is drop kick you in your face.