Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate you. I only do you because I have to. Plus, you smell funny. Anybody else hate doing the laundry?

   Just Saw A Baby Wearing A Shirt That Says, "Not Everything Stays In Vegas."....

   Your so fat you look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your finger nails LoL

   the Facebook redesign isn't nearly as bad as when Facebook redesigned all the hot girls from my high school into middle aged over weight fatties.

   Bees are a good example of Karma; once they sting someone… they die

   Guy asked girl "Does the carpet match the drapes?" she says, "Nope, hardwood floors"

   been getting a lot of calls and texts about R.E.M.'s break up, relax people, it's not the end of the world as we know it.

   The life was much easier when Blackberry and Apple were just fruits..

   Lets this be a warning...to all the kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, better run, faster than my gun

   There is nothing better than waking up to morning sex, unless you wake up in prison.

   Don't you hate when you're driving and smell oil or a hot radiator and then automatically assume it's "your" car.

   Wikipedia: I know everything! Google: I have everything! Facebook: I know everybody Internet: Without me you are nothing Electricity: Keep talking!

   shocked to hear that R.E.M. just broke up, No wait, I was shocked to hear that they were still together to be able to break up. 

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg... We left Myspace because Facebook was simple, not all flashy, & it was always changing crap... FYI... Your running a close race now... Leave an option for us to keep it simple... Thanks...

   In the game of life, if you're keeping score you're not "winning".

   If you hear a thud don't worry , it's just me dancing naked on your roof .

   I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure

   God grant me the serenity to accept the things Facebook changes, the courage to change the settings I can, and the wisdom to know it won't make a difference.

   I'm so starved for entertainment I'm thinking about putting a rubber band around my own kitchen sink sprayer....

   you can t make sense out of nonsense!