Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money

   Who else puts LOL or LMAO or ROFL knowing good and damn well your sitting there with a straight face

   I love when you go down on me! you relieve so much stress and tension but when I feel it getting good you go back up.... DAMN GAS PRICES!

   "Monday" like Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!"

   Brass Monkey - That funky Monkey Brass Monkey - Junkie That funky Monkey. That's funny, right? No? Dang.

   If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment? ;)

   When you're stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate, and sweets. Why? Because STRESSED spelled backwards spells DESSERTS. ;)

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to put some whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to

   There is Waaay to much stuff moving around on Facebook! My ADD is definately getting the best of me now!

   hey were dudes it's Sunday and our teams are playing, were gonna talk about football, you wanna make a good wife one day then get used to it

   Ay, were dudes it's Sunday and our teams are playing, were gonna talk about football, you wanna make a good wife one day then get used to it

   That moment when you hit the submit button and realize you just misspelled a word you went over 100x's with your 7 yr. olds spelling words.

   Shagged this model who works for Abercrombie & Fitch last night... She was amazing, them new mannequins are so realistic!

   Do you think the employee dicount at a Dollar General Store is,"Here, just Take it."?

   You can't buy love.."That's called prostitution"

   silence produce the best answer to a stupid question..

   what does pink floyd and dale earnhart have in common? their last hit was the wall

   People should understand a smile is not an invitation for a conversation.

   Women are the reason for reasons.