Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's hilarious to see really ugly people with cute little kids. You know god is just bluffing. They'll get ugly eventually.

   If you have VIP in ur license plate you are a douchebag. If you have VIP in the license plate of ur 1996 Toyota Corolla you r a delusional douchebag

   oh boy...Google is turning into a teenager, this could be bad...

   I call one of my coworkers "Adobe Updater" because she tries to be helpful, but she's really just annoying.

   The added bonus of fingering a fortune teller on the rag is, I got my palm red for free. :/

   wonders if using the FB poke app is like cyber foreplay??? Cause if it is I got a freaking orgy about to start here!!!

   I am about 9 inches long, You use me every day, I do all the work for you, and I make you happy. What am i? You pervert... I am a TV remote.

   Did you know that your nipples are lined up with your earlobes? :)

   I'll probably lose all the weight I want now that I've permanently lost my appetite after reading the headline "Nancy Grace Nipple Slip".

   That akward moment when you're texting someone and they end the conversation with a smiley face instead of "lol" and you don't know what to put back...

   "Dad, when can I use the car?" "When you cut that long hair." Why? Jesus had long hair." "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too!"

   Sh!t you not: My cashier's name was Kashir. Motherf*cker would NOT let me take a picture. He said he "don't geeve a sheet about fecebook."

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   F*ck you light bulb it's my turn to be burnt out.

   I still want to walk away in slo-mo from a cool-looking explosion one day, but running away from a clogged toilet will have to do for now.

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and some I'd love to punch in the face!

   Some people call me a smart ass, I say I'm just smart with a good ass answer.

   Somewhere in the hood somebody mama is using they child's name to keep the house phone on.

   Are you really worried that much about your internet history in the afterlife? Everyone knows you masturbate to porn, don't worry. No one needs to clear it when you die.