Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People ask me if I live my life on the edge. Well, let's just say I'm the kind of guy who eats apples without washing them first.

   Baby seal walks in a bar. Bartender: "what'll you have?" Baby Seal: "Anything but a Canadian Club"

   Heading to Victoria's Secret® to grope the Mannequins..Anybody need anything??

   I just gave a cow $5 and it didn't do anything. Cow tipping isn't as much fun as everyone says it is!!

   Just found a $5 bill in some old pants from middle school...Do you know how many rectangle pizzas with the cube pepperoni I could have bought with that?? Or better yet some mutha-f^ckin Chicken Rings...

   Would I bring a knife to a gunfight? Sure. Maybe some potato chips, too. I mean, they were kind enough to invite me to their fight.

   If I ever get as excited about the McRib as the people in the commercials do....SLAP ME!

   Ok, Time to play word scrabble. "PNEIS"! Did you get spine? Like hell you did, you pervert

   Beer $10. Weed $20. Condoms. $2.75. Finding out she swallows & has no gag reflex....Priceless!!!! F*** MasterCard, it pays to Discover

   It's annoying when girls take pictures in glasses and they're like "I'm a nerd". Like shut up you're not a nerd you're just a slut with glasses on.

   Awesome idea: On Halloween, order a pizza to get delivered to your house When the delivery guy gets there, pretend you think he's a trick or treater and comment on how he looks like a real delivery person. Give him candy.

   so you need at least 4 characters and a Capital to make a password. I hope I remember DonaldDuckMickeyMouseMineyMouseGoofyParis to log onto my emails!

   "Bromance" should be a relationship status on facebook.

   I dont hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank.

   Dear Girls: No need to wear a costumy for Halloween. Just remove the make up and go to the party!

   The only candy I'm interested in tonight swings from a pole and has daddy issues

   if it were black girls the show would be called 12 and pregnant.

   I had my mom get me some condoms once. I told her I used them to keep my cigarettes dry at the beach. She went to the pharmacist and asked for some. Wise guy asked, "What size?" She said, You know, for a camel!"

   Q: why do military men wear uniforms at their weddings??.... A: to be prepared for "The Battle" afterwords...

   I found my girlfriend dead the other day. She just laid there lifeless so I decided to boink her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted 'BOO!' I swear some people are just sick in the head!