Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it's your birthday in November, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.

   I wish I had a deity co-pilot. I don't even have an emergency contact.

   I dressed up as a gynecologist for halloween. I was Dr. Howie Feltercooch

   My Native American name would be "Tweets While Driving".

   Hello there, dear. I see that you've dressed up as Daddy Issues again this year. Allow me to help...

   When I think about snow, it's a lot like thinking about sex. I want to ride it, bask in its glory, & go down on it.

   My girlfriend would be a great success on the Parole Board. She never lets anyone finish a sentence.

   Anybody looking to trade some Nerds for a few Almond Joys?

   Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.

   Taking my tripwire down now, it was a blast watching tick or treaters faceplant on my porch!

   It's trick OR treat, kid. Now pick a damn card!

   A man stopped me in the street today and asked me the quickest way to a hospital, so I pushed him under a bus!

   Ladies, you are delusional if you think you can give me a handjob better than I can.

   Kris Humphries parents probably took him out Trick or Treating last night to get his mind off things.

   Fellas: You are delusional if you think you can eat pu$$y better than a lesbian.

   That uneasy moment when someone is getting accused and taking some heat for something you did.

   Look to the left. Now look to the right. I just virtually b!tch-slapped you.

   Dear sneeze, If you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave.

   God has a habit of changing nobodies into somebodies.

   You never know what you have... until the test result come out.