Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love pressing buttons, so as you can imagine this makes it really difficult for me to be around nipples

   looks like the only black and yellow we have to worry about is the cute little bumblebee.

   The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now."

   Why do people adopt insults that are directed at other people and take them personal, make them their own?

   People are so quick to shoot down my conspiracy theory that the Illuminati blew up the Challenger just to ruin Punky Brewster's dreams.

   If you blow my high, you owe me weed.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill so he could lick her candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c0ck 'cause Jills real name is Randy

   Kiss me before I brush my teeth in the morning so I know your love is real.

   Osama Bin Laden ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Gadaffi ✔ Ciara's toes ✔ Lebron's hairline ✔ Souljaboy's career ❒

   I am not addicted to weed, I only smoke it 2 times a year on my birthday and when its not my birthday.

   Your sex is on fire...? No slut... thats called herpes.

   ~•　　　　~•　　　　　　　　~•　　　　　� �　　　　　　~•　　　　　~•　　　　　~•　 　　~•　　　　　　　　　~•　　　　　~•　　　　　~• 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 �

   Too many of you HOES confusing thick with fat.....When you THICK, your stomach doesn't dance when you walk.

   Don't be a dead hero, if it ain't got sh!t to do with you keep moving.

   Buy a b!tch some high heels and she'll walk all over you in them.

   Okay I will let you go but you are going to find out that there's not many like me, but there's plenty like you.

   No one can change a person, but someone can be a persons reason to change. - Spongebob.

   Best way to handle insults? Accept them! ex: "You're so ugly!" "Tell me about it." or "You're an idiot!" "Yeah, it's a problem..".

   Midnight bathroom trip...eyes forward, avoid mirrors, happy thoughts.

   Don't let your ego write a check your character can't cash.