Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need anger management... I need people to stop talking to me when I wake up.

   Being in prison and being married are alike in many ways except in prison there is a lot more sex.

   Allow me to explain marriage to you non-married people: You know how some people have friends with benefits? It's the complete opposite of that.

   Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.

   When you say "everything happens for a reason" and I kick you in your face... The reason is because you said that.

   If a stranger in a bar has never bought you a drink you are probably ugly.

   Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.

   The reason I don't play Scrabble online, is that I can't throw the tiles at the person who beats me.

   While you gamers play Call of Duty, keep in mind those men and woman that have answered the real call to duty. Happy Veterans Day.

   Freedom is never free...Happy Veterans Day!!!!

   I failed my drivers test, they asked what should I do when I see a red light & I said, check my BBM

   So you call yourself an adult but I bet you can't sleep with the closet door open just a little bit because you think someone might be looking at you like the boogieman.

   "Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"

   if you are down & need a friend, call me...if you need to borrow money, the number you have dialed is no longer in service

   rick Perry...texas has a Republicam Governor running for president that seems like an idiot...this sounds familiar lol

   Pirate pick up line 101: "I love your eye-patch and how it brings out your other eye."

   ‎11/11/11....my calendar is speaking to me in binary

   Sometimes when I cut my toenails, I leave them all over the floor just in case ants need to use them as swords when they are at war.

   I don't have a drinking problem. I have a stopping problem.

   I remember when I was a kid I went on the computer just to use paint. :)