Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God... I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect

   Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's good. But when it's bad... it's still pretty good!

   student loans are just like Justin Bieber, they will not go away,no matter how much you wish they would.

   I've started attending a self-help group for sex addicts. I don't have an addiction. It's just an awesome way of meeting DTF girls!

   I just can't seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.

   Thanks to the State Farm Insurance Commercial now I want a Falcon

   Don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.

   Now matter how old you are, No matter how much you think you're a Badass.. If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it!

   How come I never got invited to eat tacos outside Bills office?

   If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's a delightful animated Disney classic about a woman learning her place....

   The sinking of the Titanic was tragic. At least we're doing everything we can to make sure something similar never happens again today by melting all icebergs.

   I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms.

   My favorite salad is a bunch of different kinds of Doritos mixed together

   This stupid farmers market doesn't have any locally grown pizza.

   When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

   “What doesn't kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario

   Silence is golden. If you do not agree with something that I post on my page, I would advise you to keep your opinion to yourself than try and confront me on my own turf otherwise I will embarrass you.

   They say " you can attract more bees with honey, rather than vinegar." Why the crap do I want more bees around me?

   Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....

   when its someones birthday on fb you go to their page and copy n paste a happy birthday.