Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog was licking his privates. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   I stopped listening to heavy metal after googling "where to buy Anthrax" landed me on several government watch lists.

   If you watch Black Swan backwards, it's about a dancer who cures her insanity by sleeping with Mila Kunis.

   read a status today which read "OMG I might miss my flight which is due in an hour!" As long as your priorities are straight mate...and you could waste yet more time just to let us know that on facebook! Thanks I can die happy I guess..

   If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..

   Girls want a fairy tale relationship, guys want a happy ending. ;)

   saw a butterfly today with no wings, so I poured red bull on it and BAMMMM... it died :(

   Never get on one knee for a girl that won't get on two for you..

   You know what I hate? When you're in somebody's house and you see a tin of Celebrations - you sneak the lid off and its a f*cking sewing kit.

   I always felt that Daffy Duck was funnier than Donald Duck but didn't get as much recognition because he was black.

   If a fat girl falls over in the middle of a forest and no-one's around to see it, do the trees laugh?

   Dear Fork, I thought you should know; you have a son.His name is Spork. -Spoon P.S. He has your hair.

   Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)

   Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...

   Appreciate the good people God gave you because he will take them back one day.

   If I die before I wake, I pray the lord my browsing history he will clear.

   The Congressional Budget Super Committee has had months to work out the details on the budget and cutting the deficit but still no progress. As Gomer Pyle used to say, "Surprise, surprise, surprise!"

   I wish I loved something as much as I hate almost everything.

   Women complain that they can't find good men. They do find them but then they just put them in the friend zone and never give them a chance.

   To climb a ladder you must start at the bottom. Get a few sluts under your belt, then go after the respectable women.