Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

   So, you people disrespect restaurant food service workers. You also say $2.13 per hour is too much and if they don't like it they should find another job. Now, your local restaurant is closed. Cry me a river.

   Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

   You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

   Up for anything unless my gout flares up. – from my dating profile

   WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

   Relationship status: My hand told me it has a headache.

   I'm smart enough to know the oil prices are due to supply and demand and the pipeline was to carry sludge from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico and had nothing to do with gas

   I'm smart enough to know the markets clearly see the Biden/Harris administration is working to inhibit U.S. oil production, which has the effect of tightening the global market. Stopping the pipeline reinforced that belief. 45 was right.

   that moment when you open the ice cream tub in the fridge only to find there's no ice cream but instead something completely random

   I wonder how many boyfriends the QAnon Virgin Shaman has in prison so far?

   I'm smart enough to know that the president has nothing to do with the setting of gas prices. I wish a lot of others can say that.

   The last time gasoline prices were this high Joe Biden was vice president.

   The most important thing I care about in a president is how high gas prices get while he's in office (rolling eyes back).

   “midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

   I don't hear any cicadas. I believe everyone is eating them all...

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if he was stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   Guys, your wife works hard. Would it be too much trouble to get out the vacuum cleaner and plug it in so it will be ready for her when she gets home from work?

   Do I block the raging drunkard that trolls my page or do I let him ramble so he doesn’t sh00t up his local piggly wiggly?

   This pollen got me feeling like George Floyd.