Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you give tourists wrong directions as a prank and then see them a week later on television gone missing.

   Listening to your friend talk about how she’s working it out with her boyfriend after you already blocked him, keyed his car and took his cat to the pound.

   When she’s using her man’s phone to check the weather and wind blows her into his inbox.

   I’m kind of glad dinosaurs are extinct. Pretty sure I’d try to keep one as a pet.

   I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.

   I took a girl out last night. She said, "Tell me something about you that I don't know, Carl." I said, "I forgot my wallet!"

   Boogie Boarding: An alternate means of surfing for those unable to hop up on an actual surfboard.

   No matter how bad your life is, just remember, people out there are worried about the gender of a plastic potato.

   You’ll repeat what you don’t repair.

   My body just asked for water and I gave it a mini donut because nobody tells me what to do.

   Aside from “life is short,” what other spurts of insanity do you use before making bad decisions?

   Everything okay, Babe? You’ve barely touched your shrimpizza.

   When she grabs your booty and whispers, “thick a$$-niggggaa imma get you pregnant.”

   Re-reading my own post every time someone likes it. “Ah yes, quality content.”

   I hide at work, because a good employee is hard to find.

   When there are no police, most crimes will carry the death penalty.

   doing strange things in the name of art.

   Shout out to the person Who is the first to say they’re going home and breaks the seal for the rest of the guests to be like “Gyess we will head out also” Jest sayin

   Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thank you!

   I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend until death your right to say it.