Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”

   If you scan a tribal tattoo at a Walmart price checker, it unlocks a secret a room where homeless men fight to the death for the amusement of Toby Keith.

   Pete Buttigieg couldn't run a go cart track, at Buster Green's Fun Park and Bait Shop.

   Airport

   TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip? FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

   Wolf meat was on sale at the exotic food store. So I bought a pack.

   85% of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.

   I miss the days when getting tested meant you were sleeping around.

   Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question — who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?

   Did any of you get nominated for an Oscar? Me neither. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get nominated, which I think is unfair.

   I bought my dog a cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

   [my first day as a 911 dispatcher] *eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

   Diet status: I spilled powdered sugar on an important document and licked it off.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be a lot more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   My husband and dog are a lot alike. They both want what I’m eating and get startled awake by their own stinky farts.

   An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

   If one person is tailgating you, they are the problem. If everyone is tailgating you, you are the problem.